...And as you're flowing in the sky let your birds hold on to you so that you will not fall.



This one I will write in English only, because otherwise it's gonna be quite a long post...

Today there was a nice surprise waiting for me! Maria L sent me just lovely bird necklace as a gift. There was also a little poem that was very touching. The theme of the poem is also very cleverly attached to the jewelry. For me... the poem ment actually more than many would even realize.





The translation of the poem is about:

"If you ever feel that your heart is heavy,
let your birds carry you
until you have the strenght to stand on your own feet again
When your heart is bursting with happiness,
and as you're flowing in the sky
let your birds hold on to you
so that you will not fall."

As many of you know, birds mean the world to me. They are my source of power and energy, my weak spot, my saviour, my most beloved thing in the world. Without birds I'm nothing. I lost them once. It was some years ago... I was diagnosed falsly with bird fancier's lung that is also known as pneumoconiosis. Shortly, what happens is that one day your body decides that some particle (in this case, bird dust) is bad and starts to fight against it. Kind of like an allergy - but much worse. In case of pneumoconiosis the body also sort of like writes a memo to your genes that "Always remember that this particle is shit and you need to crush it! CRUUUUSHHH IT!". This memo can't be wiped anymore: It's uncurable condition and can lead to death unless person avoids the source of reactions. And reactions are also much worse than in any allergy. (I'm stating this since many are saying "So nice that you're not allergic to birds anymore!" Pneumoconiosis isn't really an average "allergy". If it was I would have never given the birds away.) Basicly what happens is that your alveolars (those tiny little follicles in your lung area) will get swollen up. And that means your breath gets severely, badly disturbed.

I fought 1,5 years to repeal the diagnose. At first I didn't believe in it at all but then the doctors convinced me that i couldn't have been anything else. I had to submit. Funny thing though, I had been diagnosed also with mycoplasma that can cause very similar symptoms as bird fancier's lung. But since the antibiotics didn't work they said this couldn't have been the true reason for my condition.

I dwelled behind a weird veil, feeling foggy all the time. I hated everything and everyone, feeling so bitter of my loss. It was as if my soul was poisoned with something I couldn't find cure for. It hurt and burned so much I just couldn't take it. One person told me, sounding ah so quizzical, that I lost the birds so that I would give "more attention" to other people and that I should give more to others and meet new people now. Give more to people and claim my value. Give. Givegivegive. She didn't even know how much I gave to those who I respected. From between the lines she blaimed me for not being social enough and that I was somehow lesser than everyone else because I had focused so much to animals. I got so mad that I avoided people just because she said that. What did I owe to anyone? No-one had right to make me feel guilty if I enjoyed birds more than company of random people. I tried to find new hobbies. I did find some new things but they felt shallow and none of them was deep enough to cover what the bird hobby gave to me. My diary from those days is kinda scary shit to read. I don't even recognize myself. Then came some other problems and I also started to spend more time at bars. Don't get me wrong: I didn't let it get away from my hands. But compared to that previous "Drunk maybe once a year" lifestyle that I had, it was a big change. At least it helped me to forget. ...and at times it brought even more darkness.

But after some coincidences I ended up seeing some birds. Bird fancier's lung should react in 4-8 hours but I didn't get any symptoms. Well, I kept seeing birds and then I decided to consult an old lung specialist. He's opinion was that the diagnose is false since I managed to spend three days in same inner space with almost 40 parrots without symptoms. I searched for more researches and soon I found several other reasons to believe that it wasn't a true bird fancier's lung.


So I decided to make a test. I took two of my own (but relocated) cockatiels to my appartment for a test period. I had them for a week, then two. A month passed, then two. After that the doctors finally approved to do some additional tests. My lung values were perfect. And oh, there was still leftovers of mycoplasma that was never cured - only hidden with cortizone. What had happened was this: I received wayyyy too short antibiotic cure for chronical mycoplasma. The papers said then that the patient doesn't respond to the cure - so it must be pneumoconiosis. But I didn't respond because chronical mycoplasma would need 1-3 months of cure. Instead, I had a 7 days and 10 days cures (if I remember right). But anyways, tests results were good and everything spoke on behalf of that it never really was bird fancier's lung.

And so I received the papers that said the diagnose was probably false. Didn't take long and I started to build my life with birds again. But I can't even describe how hard it was for me. I don't think anything has ever been so devastating. I've lost people, I've lost fortune, I've lost spiritual things. But nothing ever hurt me so much as losing birds. And the feeling when I heard I could take them back to me was amazing. My whole body was trembling with enthusiasm and excitement. I had cold shivers and ASMR tingles, my eyes were in tears and my heart was bursting with happiness. The feeling was so strong that I managed to anchor it. Whenever I feel devastated I just have to do one movement and whisper one word and I can get back to that moment. That's one of my secrets of surviving in life. I managed to capture a moment so strong that it carries me even years after. Having my birds back.



So, for me... This poem and the necklace ment maybe even more than one could imagine. I will let my birds carry me, as I will carry them and do my very best to offer them the life they deserve. Only the best I can give. 

Thank you so much, Maria!



4 comments:

  1. Todella kaunis postaus - onneksi olivat väärässä!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Olen samaa mieltä edellisen kommentoijan kanssa, postauksesi on hyvin kaunis. Se pisti myös miettimään, kuinka yllättäen ja mitä ennalta arvaamattomimmista syistä rakastamamme asiat voivat meiltä kadota. Onneksi sinä sait lintusi takaisin.

    On aina hyvin koskettavaa lukea näin syvistä tunteista. Ihmisestä kertoo hyvin paljon se, että hän kykenee välittämään jostakin täysin pyytteettömästi ja koko sydämestään. Oli se sitten lemmikki, toinen ihminen tai ihan mitä vain. Arvostan.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Voi... ja olipa kaunis kommentti. Pitää paikkansa, että tuon kaiken jälkeen aloin arvostaa tiettyjä asioita enemmän ja toisaalta myös tiputtamaan niitä, jotka olivat minulle pahaksi. Elämä on kovin lyhyt ja voi päättyä yllättäenkin. Oli useammin kuin kerran lähellä, etteikö henitysblokki olisi tukehduttanut minua... Inhalaattori pelasti onneksi hengen.

      Kiitos paljon kommentista. Se oli ihanan rohkaiseva. <3

      Delete

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